Hands Down


Some of the alternate names for this post which had me giggling inappropriately on the train:

  • All Hands on Deck
  • The Handover
  • Pants Party
  • The Masturbation Poem (less euphemism, more accuracy)

Today a friend commented on an article which suggested, through fallacious ‘science’, that people should masturbate less.  I wasn’t quite sure if it was a joke.  I mean, who doesn’t like orgasms?!  Robots?!  (News-flash with an emphasis upon the ‘flash’: I’m pretty sure even robots like orgasms, biological imperative or not).  Haha and under the heading of ‘Men: 5 Reasons to Stop Masturbating ASAP’, it had a picture of what was obviously a woman’s hand.  Sexy good times for all!!  (Note that I’m hoping the article was an April Fool’s joke, but either way there are a lot of people who appear to have bought into it, which makes me sad face.)

So now, with no further foreplay delay, I present to you a poem about masturbation.  It’s not even an angry poem this time—I just thought it would be fun.  Enjoy!  (I know you will.  Ayyyy.  😉 😉 ;))

I had a talk with my phone today,
It was being quite contrary.
It would not type ‘masturbation’
(I think it thought it lairy.)
And so I was forced instead to use
A little imagination
And I found some euphemisms
To suit my sweet flirtation.

To wank, to jerk, to flick the bean,
To come into your own;
To shake the snake, a solo flight,
Dial the rotary phone.
Tame the shrew, work one out,
Teach the Cyclops the lambada;
Wrist aerobics, digitise,
Show yourself some ardour.
Playing naked air guitar,
Giving a low five;
Spank the monkey, find yourself,
Do the downstairs jive.
Spin a record, choke the chicken,
Play upside-down piano,
Have safe sex, do handiwork
Give yourself a go.

We’ve heard all about going blind
And growing hairy palms
So instead I’ll list the goods,
To sooth all of your qualms.
Now listen up dear reader,
The benefits go on for hours
But the most important is that
It gives you super-powers!
I swear I am not lying,
though there’s more to tell.
(And let’s face it, masturbation
is an easy sell).
It helps you wake, it helps you sleep
Stops cancer of the prostate,
Reduces cramps and yeast infections
what a happy state!
Improves muscle tone and orgasms,
For both women and men
And the best part of it all
is it releases endorphins.
‘And what are these endorphins?’
I think I hear you say,
They’re the things that make you feel good
When you have a play.
Then of course there’s oxytocin
Which makes you want to hug.
It makes the world a cuddly place,
it’s a great old drug.
And you know what this means, right?
If these things you increase?
With happiness and cuddles,
We’ll bring on global peace!
Then there’s the boost to your immune
system (I’m a fan)
Between that and better sleeping, and lower blood pressure, and learning how to have multiple orgasms, and coping better with stress, and being more focused, and fighting depression, and increasing self-esteem, and helping with chronic pain
It makes you super(wo)man.

The time has come now my dear friends,
my readers smart and fools
To suggest a couple of things to you
which you might consider rules.
One thing that is quite popular
amongst all sorts of folk.
Is auto-erotic asphyxiation
(that’s where yourself you choke).
But you must be careful, friend,
For thousands meet their end;
So if you want to cut down on your air,
Always invite a friend ;).
If you’re given to materials,
there’s one thing to remember:
If you confuse porn with sex
You’re like to be dismembered.
Another thing, a little tip,
You’ll want to think about
The slight miscommunication
In the phrase to ‘rub one out’.
This doesn’t mean outside, my dears
(well, maybe on occasion)
Don’t be seen by kids or unwilling,
or you’re off to the station.
(I see a raised hand at the back—
You have a question, pet?
Why yes my dear, I did forget
Not on chatroulette).
One last thing, ‘fore we get back
To matters at hand,
Don’t use those who don’t want you
To get to orgaz-land.
This means that without invitation,
No pressure over text.
And certainly no calling them
While you’re giving yourself the sex.
Cos people are not toys, my dear
Though there’s stores for that
And while we’re on the topic,
Let’s have a little chat.
If you’re open-minded,
There’s some things you can try
And the internet’s your market,
If you want to buy.
There’s dildos and dil-don’ts of course,
and vibrators, to boot
Then flesh-lights for the guys as well;
The need I’ll not dispute.

And now my friends, my job is done,
I’ve discussed bodies’ demands
And now you’ve the information,
I’ll leave you in good hands 😉


  • Laci Green, a sex-positive youtuber and blogger.
  • SourceFedNerd’s TableTalk on the stigma around male sex toys.  Also includes hilarious impressions of male vs female orgasms.  (They talk about shoes for quite a long time first–the show’s amazing anyway, but it skips to the above at 13:00).
  • Ian Kerner, sex-positive psych and an amazing writer
Bachata y di-carster.
The In-Between

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